By Dr. Rebeca Chow, LPC-S, LCPC-S, RPT-S
Talking about suicide with tweens and teens isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. They are navigating unique emotional and mental development stages that shape how they understand and cope with difficult feelings. These conversations aren’t just about providing information; the intention is to build connection and trust so your tween or teen feels safe turning to you when life feels overwhelming.
What matters most isn’t finding the perfect words. It’s offering a steady, reassuring presence that says: “You matter. I’m here. I see you.”
Understanding Their Development
Tweens (ages 9–12) are just beginning to recognize and name complex emotions; they’re learning how to handle feelings like sadness, rejection, and disappointment but often lack the skills to manage them in healthy ways.
Teens (ages 13–18) experience more intense emotional highs and lows. Their brains are still developing—especially areas that control impulse, emotions, and decision-making. During these years, the need for belonging and identity is powerful. Peer pressure, social media, and/or academic demands can feel overwhelming, especially during this time.
Why Tweens and Teens Keep Things to Themselves
Many kids stay quiet about their struggles—not because they don’t need support, but because they don’t know how to talk about what they’re feeling. Sometimes they pull away because they feel disconnected or worry their emotions are “too much” for others.
That’s why it’s so important to have a calm, steady adult who stays present, even when emotions are hard to express. When a caregiver stays grounded, it helps calm a tween or teen’s nervous system through something called co-regulation. In simple terms, they can “borrow” your calm until they feel steady on their own.
Our brains are wired for this kind of connection. Mirror neurons help us pick up on the feelings of people around us. When you stay calm during tough moments, it sends a message of safety to their brain and body.
“Listening With Your Eyes”: Warning Signs of Emotional Pain
In counseling, we often encourage caregivers to “listen with your eyes,” this means paying attention to behavioral changes that might signal deeper emotional distress. Look for pendulum warning signs—extremes in behavior that may be a way to cope with difficult feelings.
Some tweens and teens pull away:
- Spending long periods alone in their room
- Losing interest in hobbies or friendships
- Sleeping significantly more or less than usual
Others swing the opposite way:
- Keeping constantly busy to avoid quiet moments
- Acting overly cheerful or “perfect” to hide distress
- Taking on too many responsibilities as a distraction
Both patterns can be signs they’re struggling to express what’s really going on.
Why It’s Hard for Adults to Talk About Suicide
For many adults, starting this conversation brings up deep fears:
- Fear they’ve missed something
- Fear of what their tween or teen might say
- Fear of saying the wrong thing
Some of us grew up in families where feelings weren’t openly discussed, making these talks feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Others worry that bringing up suicide might make things worse.
Despite concerns, research and experience show that talking about suicide reduces risk. Honest conversations build connection, trust, and safety.
How to Start the Conversation
You don’t have to have all the answers—you just need to show up, stay present, and be real.
Start by:
- Creating a safe space where your tween or teen feels comfortable
- Being direct but gentle; it’s okay to use the word suicide
Conversation Starters for Tweens:
- “Sometimes people feel really sad for a long time. Have you ever felt like that?”
- “At school or online, have you heard anyone talk about wanting to hurt themselves? What did you think?”
- “When you’re having a hard day, who do you talk to?”
Conversation Starters for Teens:
- “Life can feel overwhelming. Have you ever felt like giving up or hurting yourself?”
- “Have you ever known someone who felt hopeless or talked about suicide? How did that feel to you?”
- “If you were struggling, who would you talk to? I want you to know I’m always here.”
Why These Conversations Matter
Even when your tween or teen seems fine, regular conversations about feelings help build trust and emotional resilience. Adults can normalize asking for help and create a safe, supportive relationship where they feel seen, valued, and understood.
In the end, connection is the greatest protective factor. It’s less about finding the right words and more about making sure they never have to face hard things on their own.
