Addressing Hurts Honestly in Christian Community

I call the text from today’s GPS reading “the answer to triangulation according to Jesus.” I learned academically about triangulation for the first time in college in a class for my Sociology degree called “Family Problems”–but in actuality? I learned about triangulation in my family of origin. And you likely did too. It is when person one feels some way about person two and pulls person three into the conversation so they can gain some power over person two. Do you need a concrete example? Okay. Here is a simple one for those of you with siblings. Your brother or sister wants you to stop annoying them. Instead of asking you to do so? They tell your parents you are annoying them. Make sense?

As I have grown professionally and personally, I have learned that triangulation is a tactic we human beings use when we want to avoid difficult conversations. When we are uncomfortable with conflict, we are tempted to bring in another person because then, of course, we will not be alone in our discomfort. It plays out in our families of origin, in our relationships, in our parenting, at the office, etc., etc. You will start to realize that we have all been captive to the sin of triangulation. (Let me say an important aside: sometimes, healthy relationships need a third party, mutually agreed upon, to help us sort out our challenges with one another. There is nothing wrong with that.) The pain and betrayal can come when we are secretive and gossiping instead of having the difficult conversations we need to have with the person who upset us in the first place.  

This is what Jesus said in the Matthew text today! Go to your brother and sister in Christ and express to them first what they have done to hurt you, to confuse you, to alienate you, etc. Because this is where the power is and the relationship can be healed and grow. I hope my spouse knows that at the end of the day (even in the college friends’ group chat I have where we sometimes talk about the challenges of marriage) when I am feeling hurt by him, I will tell him honestly. I hope that my four- and five-year-old girls already know that I want them to talk to each other first–solve their problems with one another because one day they are going to need each other. I hope my colleagues know that if they come to me to talk about office dynamics, frustrations and the like, I will listen and then gently ask them if they have talked to the person that they are feeling alienated from. And I will offer to go with them if it feels too big.

I want to be known as someone who is direct and kind–calling all of us to a better way. Jesus’ way of talking to each other directly and avoiding unnecessary pain. I always have work to do! Join me?