First Remove the Log From Your Own Eye

I’ve always loved honesty, quick and direct. It’s the “let’s just say the thing everyone is thinking” type of honesty. If you know anything about the Enneagram, I’m an 8 to my core. I want to address problems head on. I want to protect people. I am okay with making things crystal clear with my words. For many years I believed that honesty IS kindness. And honestly? Sometimes I still believe that. However, over the years, I’ve realized something uncomfortable: sometimes what feels like honesty to me can slowly drift into judgment.

The biggest reason the log in our own eye is so dangerous is because we can’t see it ourselves. Most of us are not walking around thinking, “Wow, I’m being self righteous today.” Usually, we think that we’re being wise. Helpful. Honest. We see someone change lanes without using their turn signal, stand up the moment the plane lands, or leave their shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot and we appoint ourselves judge and jury. Sometimes those judgments move beyond harmless annoyances into things that actually matter. We see someone making painful or destructive choices and think, “Someone needs to say the thing that needs to be said.” That instinct lives very naturally in me.

My husband Andrew is very different from me on this. In fact, his instincts are almost always the opposite of mine. He listens first. He asks questions. He leads with compassion. He gently corrects instead of reacting. He is deeply relational and unendingly gracious in a way that has completely changed me over the years. I am not exaggerating when I say that on our very first date, I remember having this little lightbulb moment where I thought, “This is the most Godly human I have ever met.”

There have been many moments in our marriage where I’ve been angry or hurt or frustrated by someone’s choices, and I want to go in strong. I want to fix the problem quickly, and I’m sure I have the answers. I want justice. I want accountability. Andrew has taught me to slow down long enough to remember that people are not projects to fix; they are people to love. They will never hear us if we don’t say it with love. And trust me, I have years of anecdotal evidence where I still tried it my way and it ended in explosions instead of the change I was hoping to see.

Sometimes truth absolutely does need to be spoken. Jesus was never afraid of truth. However, I have learned that truth without grace can wound people instead of heal them. Now, when I find myself in tense situations, especially ones where emotions are high and I feel completely certain I know the right answer, I’ve learned to pause. Often I’ll go to Andrew and ask what he thinks I should do. We will pray about it together and more often than not, the right thing to do is something much softer, slower, and more gentle and gracious than my first instinct.

The people who have changed me most in my life were not the ones who shamed me into becoming better. They were the ones who made me feel seen instead of condemned. Jesus and Andrew are masters of this, and I still have a lot to learn from both of them. Removing the log from our own eye begins with humility and with slowing down. We must remember that we may not see as clearly as we think we do. Let’s ask God today to help us become the kind of people who tell the truth in ways that bring healing instead of shame.