Growing Spirit-Filled Relationships Every Day

I have been a follower of Jesus for over three decades and in that time, I have heard more sermons on relationships/partnership/marriage than I can count. I’ve never been married, so I’m a part of the population that has to do what I call “relationship sermon math.” That’s when you have to add and subtract from the sermon’s main points in order to apply it to a single person’s life—because for as many sermons on relationships as I’ve heard, I’ve heard zero sermons about living life as a single person. So, that means taking the sermon principles about relationships and figuring out how to apply them to a single lifestyle. Ultimately, it’s different. While romantic or familial relationship principles work for many different types of relationships, it takes work figuring out how to exercise those principles when you don’t have an immediate family on which to apply them.

In a recent sermon about relationships, I heard two pastors make these points:

· Don’t divide and conquer – Tackle issues together. The sacrifice it takes to move through life together, and with a joint purpose, is worth more than trying to always divvy things up and trying to accomplish more separately.
· Make cheerleading your favorite – Kids and other people in your household are going to see and hear more of what your actions and words are conveying than you think, so let the things they hear be encouraging!
· Always seek understanding – Seeking to understand other’s motivations, goals, and aspirations is important to avoid frustration and lack of trust within the relationship.
· In Colossians 3:12-17 Paul instructs us to clothe ourselves in good characteristics, to forgive and seek forgiveness, to seek peace, be thankful, and praise God together.

These principles are universal and not just important in romantic or familial relationships, but when taught in the context of relationships, it can require a little bit of “relationship sermon math.” So, for those of you out there that are living life solo, like me, here’s what we can deduce:

· Being solo can be difficult. Every decision, every action, every inaction rests on your shoulders, and you couldn’t divide and conquer even if you wanted to. But humans were made to live in community with each other, and it’s okay to ask for help. When life feels overwhelming and decision fatigue sets in, reach out to someone and be honest. Don’t try to shoulder it all alone. This type of vulnerability with people who aren’t a spouse or family member can feel daunting, but this is what the Church and the Body of Christ are for.
· Your circle of influence might not include a partner and off-spring, and you may not have close coworkers who pick up on your mutterings and musings, but you and your voice matter within your circle of influence. Cheer others on loudly. But on the other side of things, share your celebrations with others. Even if you don’t have a partner or someone close to share your joys, share them with the next closest person and allow them to cheer you on too!
· A solo lifestyle can often feel like never truly feeling known or understood, which can also make it difficult to understand others as well. Politics and society’s hot button issues are often reserved for discussion with close family and friends, but as a single person, that might mean conversations about current events are few and far between—and the ability to process and participate in public discourse is minimal. However, we know that every human is walking around with some sort of hurt or struggle, so no matter who we engage with, it’s always best to take Ted Lasso’s advice and “be curious, not judgmental.”
· Paul’s words in Colossians 3 teach us how to move through the world in relation to others. With love, kindness, peace, and forgiveness. But in a solo lifestyle it can be easy to forget that living this way with others requires living this way with yourself. In the moments when silence is deafening and the temptation arises to fill empty voids with noise, doing more, isolating, or trying to be enough, those are the moments to remember Paul’s words and treat yourself with the love, kindness, peace, and forgiveness you work so hard to bring to your other relationships.

To those of you that are just trying to make it and doing it all solo, I see you! God sees you. You are loved, valued, and if no one has told you lately, you are significant to others regardless of whether or not you have a significant other.